going with the flow

I haven't felt like blogging recently.  I have nothing to complain about.  I hid my heart into an hollow tree for safe keeping.  Right now, I just want to have fun and meet new people.  Sex, video games, music, dancing, cooking, etc... I noticed that I'm more popular with the ladies since I started wearing this "I don't care" attitude.  I'm not looking for a relationship and they can fell it.  People just want a have fun so don't mind if I do.

Take care,

See you in six months of shameless douchebagery

Painkillers

I'm starting to realize something.  Whatever may or may not be wrong with society is not the issue.

I am

I am the one that does not fit in the system.  My bitterness is driving people away and I have to pay the price.  Writhing about my feelings helps but it is clearly not enough.  This is a warning for everyone who's feeling sick of things as I am and don't know what to do about it.  Seek professional help!

I'm going to a clinic tomorrow morning and hopefully the M.D. will hand me a prescription for antidepressant.  The problem is not that I'm unhappy alone,  it's that I'm unhappy.

If I cannot forge a better tomorrow for myself because I feel helpless, I might make it through with a partner.  Unfortunately, said partner will have to be a chemical enhancement and not the girl of my dreams.

Remembering that suicide is not an option is NOT enough, Other options are needed.

I feel lonely and sad, but I will survive whatever it takes.

Nightlife or Night lie?

Why do I go out?  Why would I leave my house past 10 PM, go all the way downtown and PAY to get inside a bar.  I do not drink (unless you call one beer once in a while drinking).  I do like to dance but the floor is either too full or completely empty.  I don't remember having an intelligent conversation on a regular night in a club. My friends stopped going out a while back except for those who actually work there.  Only 25% of the people inside are ladies and they ALL are in a relationship, lesbians or among my few exes.  I guess I will just stop trying to pretend I enjoy the nights out and just stay home.  I don't mind being alone but feeling lonely makes me sick.  I think I prefer to stay inside. A mask is not necessary in my own bedroom and I can write as much as I want. Eventually, I will become an hermit.  I'm not sure I like the alternative.

Maybe I just like the music but I could make a neat soundtrack on my computer and I wouldn't need to go out anymore.  I guess I cling to a fool's hope whenever I feel like partying in clubs but as the night progress, I start to remember how alien and out of touch I am with people.  Afterward, I leave the bar alone, get to the bus stop and wait in the cold, hopeless.  So the dilemma is this:  How do I fight loneliness without risking to cry myself to sleep when I come back home?  What is worst: Being home alone or lonely in a crowd?

My temporary answer : Friends!  I must make sure to spend time among friends and family as much as possible.
Since I'm not sure I want to rely on others for affection anymore, writing seems to be my only chance of happiness (or something like it)

Just another paradox (sort of)

I noticed that my mind have two gears when it comes to the opposite sex.  I'm either too interested to be interesting or so completely absorbed by work/personal project/games that I'm unable to notice if anyone is or isn't flirting with me (plus the fact that when I'm so obsessed with something like that, I either don't leave my room for days or spend time with my buddies).

The fact that the human race haven't got extinct by now means that my problem is not something the majority can relate to.  I hope I'll find a way to deal with this issue.  My theory is that my efforts with writing and designs will eventually pay off and that my professional success should attract a certain amount of females.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I would like to date a person interested merely by my wallet and/or social standing and I don't think I would like to invest time and energy in a relationship in a scenario where I can earn my living by writing novels because that would be so awesome I would not need affection (at least, not from another person.  I would probably become to self absorbed or something -_-')

One another topic (welll... not really).  I found it increasingly difficult to meet new interesting potential dates.  The best place to meet nice single people are schools, followed closely by certain types of work environments.  As I'm done with school and that my job consist mainly of staying in my room going crazy with a computer, I'm not sure what kid of places could be appropriate.  Public places are weird, most people you meet in bars are not worth the risks and trouble, I do not like yoga that much and most parties I go to are either sausage-fest, full of not-so-singles or people whose age is to far from mine. 

In conclusion, I am eager to finish that darn novel to see what would happen after that.  What if a nice lady attending my book launch fancies me...

Are girls fetishist by definition?

I know this must sound weird but from where I stand, this is a big issue.

I ALWAYS see this.  Girls leaving bars with cartoon characters.  The tallest, the shortest, the skinniest, the redhead, the dirtiest, etc.  And I see this trend exposed everywhere.  It seems to be trendy for people to confess that they like freckles or weird facial hair and to do so with a fake shameful tone.  Usually, people spread this on the internet via blog, vlog, FB status and I see this more and more.
I must admit that once in a while, someone makes a good judgement call, but only if there are no other alternatives.

I do not approve of this behavior but I must admit I can understand it.  Psychologically speaking, this could be backed up by the fact that you can't be judged afterward for picking the tallest dude even if he's really not that cute because you can blame it on "the kink" or obsession.  My assumptions must sound really bitter and cynical but I usually start to analyze my observations and the data I reap from it with the premise that people are predictable, simple minded and care way to much about what other people might think.

I feel invigorated whenever I am proven wrong on those matter.  This is my inquiry: Get to KNOW people instead of make the most obvious possible choices and prove me wrong. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Back for more

All right, I must admit it feels good to write.  I don't know if this is just a phase or if it might become a regular thing but I do enjoy this.  I wrote about a few wounds from my past so I will now write about anguish of the present.  I am currently unemployed.  I'm trying to write a novel but I often lack motivation to get any work done.  I wish I could blame video games, rpgs, partying, dating or sport but I don't enjoy those activities as much as I did.  I'm even out of Doctor Who episodes (That use to be my best pick-me-up and it still would be if I hadn't watched all of the new stuff... can't wait for the Christmas Special though).  The only good resolution I kept is my diet.  Even though I did cut myself some slack, I am rather thorough when it comes to choosing ingredients. My current state of apathy is probably a symptom of depression and today I made a step forward in the process of understanding my pain.

I told a friend (a girl about my age) on FB that I was not able to live for myself.  That I was "conditioned" to live for others and that I always had a woman in my life to either support me or boss me around.  I was really close to my sister when we were kids and then, as a teenager, I started dating rather early, always a bit more involved in relationships than the other kids my age and always more devoted.  I have not been single very long in the past 11 years.  My friend told me that in order to learn how to live for myself, I have to ask myself this: "Who am I?" and "Who do I want to be?"
Answering those two simple questions is not as simple as it looks. This is what I know:
I don't want to feel lonely.
I don't want to feel empty.
I would like to have a job I don't hate.
I want to share my feelings with a person I love and respect.
I would like to explore the endless possibilities of interactive entertainement.
I want to feel healthy.
I would like to see the world.
I would like to build myself a future around people that I care for.
I want to feel important to someone.

How am I suppose to define myself without other?  I live for the joys of love, friendship and putting on a good show.  I guess I have always felt lonely and that it got old.  I don't want that anymore.  Who would?
I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who, like me, feel the need to please others, particularly a significant other, and to get gratitude in exchange.  Am I a gratitude whore? How much do I crave others approval?
But then it gets complicated: "How am I suppose to attract nice people, especially a nice girl, if I'm not happy because I don't feel good about myself?"  and then circular reasoning kicks in: "How am I suppose to feel good about myself if I am always lonely and feeling like an alien?"

Don't get me wrong. I spent time with friends and I know lots of people.  I'm not socially disabled and I sure am no outcast.  It is just that something always gets in the way when it comes to deeper human interactions.  I don't want to go through life without a partner but maybe this is just a challenge life threw at me, knowing I would overcome this obstacle or die trying.

First entry

I never thought I would start I blogging.  I guess I needed a place to vent off, like my pillow when I feel like screaming without panicking my roommates.  I've been having issues about lots of stuff all my life.  Since august 2010, it went pretty much downhill.  I'll try to keep this short and simple.
A little over 7 years ago, I met this Russian girl who was into role-playing games and gothic stuff.  Fell wildly in love right away.  I will call her Tatyana for anonymity purposes.  We were a great match.  I was kicked out of the family nest half-way through college, dropped out and moved-in with her in a REALLY tiny apartment. We started recruiting players for vampire LARPs (Vampire: The MasqueradeTM by White WolfTM. Great pen-and-paper RPG) and ended up with a circle of friends that became like family.  It is among them that I proposed to Tatyana on a new year's eve party.  She said yes.  I went back to school, worked the night shift as a security guard and studied at work.  I got a degree in multimedia but I was poor, had gained 30 pounds and had no job.  She dumped me about a month before the wedding and started dating another guy while we still lived under the same roof.  I started dating to. I stayed in there for a few more months, sleeping in an improvised bedroom without real privacy.  It is in that awkward environment that I brought my rebounds for romantic purposes.  I could hear Tatyana and her BF fuck once in a while so I developed the habit of keeping an mp3 player at hand.  A few months and 4 girlfriends later, I finally moved out and found some peace.  I still see Tatyana about twice a month because with are both larpers and gamers and we both want to hang on to our little geeky family.  We are still in speaking terms and she now lives with the other guy.

Since I moved in July, I made enough money to take some time for myself. I started writing and thinking about where I'm at while exercising and dieting. I am now 155 pounds instead of 180 and even gained a little muscle. 
For a while in there, I had it all: Sex, decent money, health and good looks.
Am I happy? No.
Was it worth the effort? Yes.

I have learned so much about myself in the last few months and most of it come from the time I invested with dates, girlfriends, friends with benefit and foster big sisters.  I even made a long distance friend in Texas and she can be very helpful.  The sad part is that I also learned a lot about human nature and social behaviors... it sickens me.  I am now standing on edge of a cliff with misanthropy, misogyny, depression and/or anti-social behavior at the bottom of it.  This blog is an attempt to make a step back, gain some perspective and hopefully, back away from the cliff.  What about other bloggers?  Some of you guys must be looking for closure too.