All right, I must admit it feels good to write. I don't know if this is just a phase or if it might become a regular thing but I do enjoy this. I wrote about a few wounds from my past so I will now write about anguish of the present. I am currently unemployed. I'm trying to write a novel but I often lack motivation to get any work done. I wish I could blame video games, rpgs, partying, dating or sport but I don't enjoy those activities as much as I did. I'm even out of Doctor Who episodes (That use to be my best pick-me-up and it still would be if I hadn't watched all of the new stuff... can't wait for the Christmas Special though). The only good resolution I kept is my diet. Even though I did cut myself some slack, I am rather thorough when it comes to choosing ingredients. My current state of apathy is probably a symptom of depression and today I made a step forward in the process of understanding my pain.
I told a friend (a girl about my age) on FB that I was not able to live for myself. That I was "conditioned" to live for others and that I always had a woman in my life to either support me or boss me around. I was really close to my sister when we were kids and then, as a teenager, I started dating rather early, always a bit more involved in relationships than the other kids my age and always more devoted. I have not been single very long in the past 11 years. My friend told me that in order to learn how to live for myself, I have to ask myself this: "Who am I?" and "Who do I want to be?"
Answering those two simple questions is not as simple as it looks. This is what I know:
I don't want to feel lonely.
I don't want to feel empty.
I would like to have a job I don't hate.
I want to share my feelings with a person I love and respect.
I would like to explore the endless possibilities of interactive entertainement.
I want to feel healthy.
I would like to see the world.
I would like to build myself a future around people that I care for.
I want to feel important to someone.
How am I suppose to define myself without other? I live for the joys of love, friendship and putting on a good show. I guess I have always felt lonely and that it got old. I don't want that anymore. Who would?
I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who, like me, feel the need to please others, particularly a significant other, and to get gratitude in exchange. Am I a gratitude whore? How much do I crave others approval?
But then it gets complicated: "How am I suppose to attract nice people, especially a nice girl, if I'm not happy because I don't feel good about myself?" and then circular reasoning kicks in: "How am I suppose to feel good about myself if I am always lonely and feeling like an alien?"
Don't get me wrong. I spent time with friends and I know lots of people. I'm not socially disabled and I sure am no outcast. It is just that something always gets in the way when it comes to deeper human interactions. I don't want to go through life without a partner but maybe this is just a challenge life threw at me, knowing I would overcome this obstacle or die trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment