Why do I go out? Why would I leave my house past 10 PM, go all the way downtown and PAY to get inside a bar. I do not drink (unless you call one beer once in a while drinking). I do like to dance but the floor is either too full or completely empty. I don't remember having an intelligent conversation on a regular night in a club. My friends stopped going out a while back except for those who actually work there. Only 25% of the people inside are ladies and they ALL are in a relationship, lesbians or among my few exes. I guess I will just stop trying to pretend I enjoy the nights out and just stay home. I don't mind being alone but feeling lonely makes me sick. I think I prefer to stay inside. A mask is not necessary in my own bedroom and I can write as much as I want. Eventually, I will become an hermit. I'm not sure I like the alternative.
Maybe I just like the music but I could make a neat soundtrack on my computer and I wouldn't need to go out anymore. I guess I cling to a fool's hope whenever I feel like partying in clubs but as the night progress, I start to remember how alien and out of touch I am with people. Afterward, I leave the bar alone, get to the bus stop and wait in the cold, hopeless. So the dilemma is this: How do I fight loneliness without risking to cry myself to sleep when I come back home? What is worst: Being home alone or lonely in a crowd?
My temporary answer : Friends! I must make sure to spend time among friends and family as much as possible.
Since I'm not sure I want to rely on others for affection anymore, writing seems to be my only chance of happiness (or something like it)
I agree : friends and family!
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